You guys, I have the most awesome girlfriends in the world. Wanna know how I know? Because I had this conversation with them about our husbands’ poop habits and they totally agreed to me posting it on my blog. Because I am the worst wife ever, and apparently not only am I the worst wife ever, so are my awesome girlfriends! Sorry/not sorry not only to The Hubs, but to the husbands of my awesome girlfriends, for the public discussion of their poop habits. But seriously, this was too funny not to share.
Beth
I literally just scrubbed dried-on shit off the toilet. Literally.
L
What is with guys and them missing the toilet? I swear, my husband gets shit on the toilet seat too and in weird places in the bowl. I can even imagine the position you need to get into to get crap on that area of the bowl. It’s completely mind-boggling!!!
Beth
Seriously, this poo was on the inside front of the bowl, like the part under the seat. How do you get poo on there?
L
Ugh! I know what you mean. I ask my husband about it and he looks at me like it’s not his. Whose else would it be? Our infant son can’t poop in the toilet yet. I mean, come on!
K
OMG, I know it’s totally stabby-making, but I am SO RELIEVED it’s not just my husband with the fucking nasty poop toilets!
A
Oh and the poop..”Captain Splatter”
Beth
LOL
L
For realz.
K
but how do they shit and then have it stick on the wall?!?
Beth
^^^THIS
L
OMG! Seriously! How does that happen!?!?
K
I mean, do they have like super sticky poo?
A
Wall????
L
What contortionist position do they get into to make this happen?
A
Wtf
K
wall of the toilet
A
Maybe it flings when they wipe
L
Oh yeah, I’ve had it on the FRONT of the bowl. The front…how the hell?
Beth
^^^THIS
A
Oh….I was like shit! Fricken apes flinging poo!
L
On second thought, I don’t want to know. You can’t unsee that shit.
Beth
^^^LITERALLY
A
Yep
Beth
OK, this convo needs to go on my blog. For serious.
A
Word
L
Totally!
K
Also, HOW DO THEY NOT SEE IT???? And if they *DO* see it, how do they NOT FUCKING CLEAN IT OFF?!????
Beth
^^^RIGHT?!?!
L
Remember, it’s not theirs. It’s the poop ghost.
A
Seriously. There are cleaning wipes!
Beth
I bet The Hubs would blame The Boy.
L
Or The Girl
Beth
Like blaming the dog when you fart.
L
Or the chair
What’s that noise? Oh it’s the chair… Right.
A
The Girl would say “Get your poop outta my poop!”
I fart wherever I want
Beth
I fart SO MUCH since chemo. Also when I was pregnant.
A
Chemo farts!
L
Oh the gas while pregnant was horrid.
Beth
And yet, all that farting and I never pooped on the front of the toilet.
Aaaaaannndddd…scene.
Male readers, does your poop go all over the place when you poop? If so, how the fuck do you do that? Are you a contortionist? Because, me and my girlfriends really want to know.
K has never cleaned a toilet bowl in her life. And don’t get me started on the drips from the moon cycle. (hypothetically)
Don’t even discuss their underwear, especially if you’re married to an ‘old’ athlete! You gave me my first laugh of the day–didn’t know you were a comedienne!
Cracking up because I can see myself in this conversation … And, SERIOUSLY?!?! What kind of Toilet Olympics are they participating in to get it everywhere?!
I dunno, but it’s gross!!!
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My husband sits so far back on the toilet (to make sure his man-bits never accidentally drop down to cold porcelain?) that there’s always a poop streak on the back of the seat. OK. I understand about sensitive parts and cold. But CLEAN IT UP! Boys.
To explain the physics of how we are able to produce gravity defying poop, that would be a violation of the Man Code. It is an ancient tradition, passed down from father to son through the ages. I have already said too much, and may have my Man Card suspended for this.