Holy fuck you guys, I hate hot flashes so much. I can’t remember the last time I slept more than 4 hours straight because I keep getting woken up by hot flashes. One of the many pleasant side effects of chemo, along with nausea and exhaustion, is that for young women who haven’t yet hit menopause, it fucks up your hormones and puts you into what we call chemopause. It’s just like menopause except it can sometimes go away after chemo is done.

And now I would like to apologize to any woman who has mentioned hot flashes to me and I didn’t express my deep and abiding sympathy to her.

For those of you who haven’t had a hot flash, it’s like this. You’re lying there in bed, or sitting on your couch, or doing whatever you’re doing, and suddenly you feel craaaaaaaaazy hot. Like, in-a-sauna hot, like, it’s-110-degrees-and-I-have-no-air-conditioning hot, like, what-the-fuck-kind-of-pepper-did-I-just-eat hot. And then after a couple of minutes, when you are all sweaty, it’s gone again. And you’re like, “THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?!” And then if it’s the middle of the night, you try to go back to sleep…which doesn’t happen easily, at least not for me.

You know, women gotta go through a lot of shit in these bodies of ours. A lot of seriously fucked up shit. I have a hemorrhoid from birthing The Girl that comes back anytime I get constipated. (Did you know that Zofran, a key antinausea med for chemo patients, makes you constipated? Good times.) Don’t even get me started on periods themselves, especially after kids. And then we get menopause. So shitty.

Male readers: do you have shit like this you have to put up with? The Hubs never complains about his junk, unless someone accidentally knees it (The Girl usually, she loves to climb on people), but maybe you’re all just suffering in silence?

I dunno, I guess I shouldn’t complain because at least I’m going through this after kids. Did you know there are women who get breast cancer in their 20’s? Like, before they’ve had a chance to get married and make babies and all that? And sometimes, chemopause is permanent. At least I don’t have to worry about my fertility while I am sweating profusely at 1 AM. In fact, I sincerely hope that this will be permanent for me, because I really don’t want to go through menopause twice. Once is plenty.