It’s been all down and depressing around here lately, hasn’t it? Let’s cheer things up a bit with a little movie night, shall we? I bet you could use some box wine and popcorn, amiright?

OK, so Cleopatra. I fucking LOVE this movie. I know people thing it’s overdone schlock, but I don’t give a shit. Elizabeth Taylor was a fucking goddess AND a damn fine actor. And the incredible and yet totally fucked up sexual energy between her and Richard Burton in this movie practically lights your television on fire.

Besides that, there’s the sets and costumes, which cost a fortune. That’s not costume jewelry, my dears, that’s actual gold. And that is why if you watch this movie on a tiny TV in pan and scan instead of letterbox, I will come to your house and I will smash your TV in. I mean it. If you have a shitty little. TV, get yourself to a friend’s house so you can actually see the props and the sets and the costumes as they were meant to be seen.

And as if Richard Burton wasn’t enough, this film has Rex Harrison in it too. I mean, there’s like two whole movies in this movie, you don’t even get to the Richard Burton part until the second half. Is this movie long? Yes. Is it overproduced? Yes. THAT IS THE FUCKING POINT. When we say they don’t make movies like they used to, we mean a studio can’t afford to make movies like Cleopatra anymore. It’s incredible, you will literally never see anything like it ever again.

Look, I’m not saying you should watch Cleopatra as if it’s some perfect, serious movie. This is not Schindler’s List. It’s Cleopatra. Imagine how much fun Liz and Dick had on the set–how much booze and how much fighting and how much sex. And just watch it ooze out onto the screen.

I love this movie so much. Just, watch it, and maybe even upgrade from box wine to the hard stuff, and I bet you’ll love it too.