I’m sorry, Lefty, but I am going to have to kill you, before you kill me.

When I was a teenager, I kept waiting and waiting for you and Righty to grow bigger. But there you sat, just being a sad little A cup, not impressing anyone. I mean, you were reasonably pert, but it took one hell of a bra to simulate anything remotely like cleavage. You did have that cool-looking mole, but since there was no cleavage there, it was hard to show that mole off. In short, you were kind of a disappointment.

And then came motherhood. And HOLY SHIT did you grow! I mean, overnight, from an A to a D, and it hurt like a motherfucker. It turned out you were so small because you were just waiting to get filled up with milk. A lot of milk. A shitload of milk. Insane amounts of milk. Enough milk to feed not just my kids, but other people’s kids too. During the two years of milk production, you usually produced about 25 ounces a day. That’s like 140 gallons of milk you made. Which is pretty fucking impressive.

And then when it was time to stop making milk, you deflated like a sad balloon, and just hung there, looking, well, sad. Who knew that A cups could be saggy? And I know I should have been like “I don’t mind, it just shows what a good job you did feeding my children” but instead I was like “seriously, you are just sad-looking.” And I put you in a push-up padded bra and then you looked OK.

And then you got cancer. A lot of cancer. A shitload of cancer. Insane amounts of cancer. Did you swell up and look good, at least? No, you just lay there looking the same as ever until I noticed you had a big ass lump. And now that the chemo has been eating the cancer, you are drooping even more. You look even more like a deflated balloon. And you STILL have cancer.

I am so fucking pissed off at you for getting sick, and I know you have to go and I have no qualms about this from a medical standpoint…and yet, I am still going to miss you. Because, you are a part of me. A deeply flawed part, but a part nonetheless.

So, I’m sorry, Lefty. We’ve had a good run, but now it’s time to go. Godspeed, and say hello to the pathology lab techs for me.