Crazy thoughts I have at 2AM when The Girl won’t sleep

The Girl is still a shitty sleeper. Am I looking for advice? I am not. Know why? Because I have heard it all. I have read the books, I have talked to other parents, we have talked to the doctor about it. Please, please, please, do not offer me advice. I really don’t want to hear it. I just want to explain what it’s like being a working parent of a child who is a shitty sleeper.

These are the thoughts that run through my head from 2AM when The Girl woke up until 4AM when she finally, mercifully, fell back asleep.

“Why can’t she just stay asleep at night?”
“I am not going to be functional at work tomorrow.”
“Maybe if I read that No-Cry sleep book again, it’ll have a solution.”
“This book is crap.”
“Maybe there’s something hidden in her room that’s waking her up? Like an alarm clock? Or the boogie man?”
“Is she asleep? Maybe I can go back to bed.”
“Fuck, she’s not asleep.”
“Why the fuck is she singing Ring Around the Rosey? Jesus Christ it’s 3:15 AM.”
“Why isn’t she wearing a diaper? She can tell me she peed in her diaper, take it off, and ask for a new one, but she can’t STAY ASLEEP?”
“I can’t keep doing this. We need another solution.”
“How much water can I give her to get her to shut up without having her pee through her diaper?”
“Is she asleep?”
“Oh thank god, she’s asleep.”

After a night like that, I am grateful I have a boss who is also a working mom and knows what sleep deprivation is like, and that I have the flexibility to take a half day off and then work from home after a nap. I am also grateful to have The Hubs, who is a fantastic father and husband, and who gets the kids up and dressed and to school while I sleep in. I am privileged. I can’t imagine what it is like to be a single parent and have to do all this alone. Or to work in a job that doesn’t offer the flexibility mine does.

But I still wish The Girl would just learn to sleep.