This is The Hubs. Beth is not doing well. This was the last post that she was struggling with the last couple of days. She is not doing well and it will be soon, likely in the next couple of days that she passes if not sooner. Note: The post referse to the Death with Dignity laws here. She spiraled too quickly, so that is no longer an option.
On Friday, as we were headed for some more HLA platelets, #bestdocever sent The Hubs and me a text explaining that the lung doc doesn’t think that a stint will work on my lung. And we knew. We knew this meant that there was nothing more that could be done for me. I texted him back and asked if the platelets were going to make me feel any better, and he said “nah.” And I said “Then I won’t be going to the influsions anymore.” And he was like “Cool.”
The Hubs and I went home and cried. A lot. It felt like when we found out that I had stage IV cancer–we went home and climbed in bed and cried and faced my death. It was the first time time I’d seen The Hubs having to deal with the reality of my terminal diagnosis, and now, he had to deal with the reality of my mortality, again. And now we wait for my death because I am in hospice.
I am in hospice.
I am in hospice. This means that some folks from the hospice drop off O2, a machine that makes O2 out of the air, some other things (like a cool table); a nurse will check on me sometime; someone might help The Hubs with some care for me occasionally. But there is nothing that they can do to extend my life at this point. There’s no chance of survival. That’s always been been true, but it’s in our faces now. I honestly don’t know what to say. The thing about trees is that they don’t live forever. All of my trees who I love so much, with all of my heart, are going to die of metastatic cancer, just like me.
Here’s how it will happen: The Hubs will go with me to talk to #bestdocever on Tuesday. We’ll discuss with them the Death with Dignity prescription (we have compleated all the paperwork), and he will write the prescription I’ll need for Death with Dignity. In the mean time, before I take the pills, I’ll say these are the people that I want to speak to before I die. We have a list. After we get the prescription The Hubs will drive to a pharmacy on Lake Washington, where he will get the pills I need. It won’t take long to get it.
After we get the prescription, we will see the people that we want to see–family, friends–and then, we will see how I feel. If I have no quality of life, I believe I’ll opt for the pills. If I don’t want to, or just want to let things take its course, I will. I’m really glad I live in a state that has Death with Dignity as an option. It’s something that should be the right of each person. Maybe you all disagree with me–that’s OK. I know some people don’t agree and that’s why they don’t have that right in their state.
I’m going to miss all of you. ALL of you.