Crazy Cancer Cures: Smelling Farts

You guys! It’s time again for another in my series on Crazy Cancer Cures, where we discuss the many dumb ideas I’ve heard about alternative ways to cure my cancer. Today’s is by far, hands-down, my all-time favorite: that smelling farts cures cancer. Seriously, I can’t stop giggling about this one, it’s fantastic.

So here’s how this one got started: there was a study done at the University of Exeter having to do with using some kind of molecule to deliver hydrogen sulfide to cells to help preserve their mitochondria. This was done in a Petri dish in this study. Hydrogen sulfide is the stinky part of farts and rotten eggs. Ergo, smelling farts cures cancer. Wait, what?

Now, it’s funny, because duh, it’s about stinky farts. I mean, farts are just funny, always. I laughed pretty hard when the news articles about this study started floating around like hydrogen sulfide in our bathroom after The Hubs takes a dump. (He’s a good guy, though, he always turns on the bathroom fan when he poops.) 

But here’s the thing that’s kind of sad about this study: it actually points out a lot of what’s wrong in science journalism today. First, it’s really common for science journalism to make these same kinds of leaps in non-hilarious-fart-related articles. There’s a lot of articles about basic Petri dish science that end up with screaming headline about exiciting breakthroughs or cures right around the corner. As my oncologist likes to say, if you inject cancer cells in a Petri dish with just about anything, it’ll kill them. Cells in dishes just don’t like having things injected in them. But a lot of what we read about in the paper is just that: a Petri dish study. Too many science journalists, or whatever journalists write about these studies, don’t seem to get this.

Second, as in this case, the press releases about scientific studies often do their best to get press attention, as press releases are designed to do. So they sometimes/often/practically always oversell the research. Nobody’s going to cover your study on important but incremental and highly technical research that’s still ten years from bringing a new treatment to patients. How will that sell newspapers? No, instead you’ve got to talk about how that obscure research is exciting or promising or a breakthrough or some other buzzword that’s going to get your study covered in the media.

In this case, the study’s press release didn’t suggest a cure for cancer, but it did make sure to point out that hydrogen sulfide is found in farts, because farts are funny, and then talk about how the molecule they studied might have applications in cancer. Cancer’s a big one, that always gets headlines, and when combined with the fart thing, I mean seriously, that’s going to generate an awful lot of page views, isn’t it?

So, unfortunately for all of you who have told me that your dog or your loved one whose farts can clear a room, I’m sorry, those farts aren’t reducing your risk for cancer. Sorry, guys. But hey, at least we all got a good chuckle out of it, right?

Worst Wife Ever Moment: The Poopy Toilet Conversation

You guys, I have the most awesome girlfriends in the world. Wanna know how I know? Because I had this conversation with them about our husbands’ poop habits and they totally agreed to me posting it on my blog. Because I am the worst wife ever, and apparently not only am I the worst wife ever, so are my awesome girlfriends! Sorry/not sorry not only to The Hubs, but to the husbands of my awesome girlfriends, for the public discussion of their poop habits. But seriously, this was too funny not to share.

Beth
I literally just scrubbed dried-on shit off the toilet. Literally.

L
What is with guys and them missing the toilet? I swear, my husband gets shit on the toilet seat too and in weird places in the bowl. I can even imagine the position you need to get into to get crap on that area of the bowl. It’s completely mind-boggling!!!

Beth
Seriously, this poo was on the inside front of the bowl, like the part under the seat. How do you get poo on there?

L
Ugh! I know what you mean. I ask my husband about it and he looks at me like it’s not his. Whose else would it be? Our infant son can’t poop in the toilet yet. I mean, come on!

K
OMG, I know it’s totally stabby-making, but I am SO RELIEVED it’s not just my husband with the fucking nasty poop toilets!

A
Oh and the poop..”Captain Splatter”

Beth
LOL

L
For realz.

K
but how do they shit and then have it stick on the wall?!?

Beth
^^^THIS

L
OMG! Seriously! How does that happen!?!?

K
I mean, do they have like super sticky poo?

A
Wall????

L
What contortionist position do they get into to make this happen?

A
Wtf

K
wall of the toilet

A
Maybe it flings when they wipe

L
Oh yeah, I’ve had it on the FRONT of the bowl. The front…how the hell?

Beth
^^^THIS

A
Oh….I was like shit! Fricken apes flinging poo!

L
On second thought, I don’t want to know. You can’t unsee that shit.

Beth
^^^LITERALLY

A
Yep

Beth
OK, this convo needs to go on my blog. For serious.

A
Word

L
Totally!

K
Also, HOW DO THEY NOT SEE IT???? And if they *DO* see it, how do they NOT FUCKING CLEAN IT OFF?!????

Beth
^^^RIGHT?!?!

L
Remember, it’s not theirs. It’s the poop ghost.

A
Seriously. There are cleaning wipes!

Beth
I bet The Hubs would blame The Boy.

L
Or The Girl

Beth
Like blaming the dog when you fart.

L
Or the chair
What’s that noise? Oh it’s the chair… Right.

A
The Girl would say “Get your poop outta my poop!”
I fart wherever I want

Beth
I fart SO MUCH since chemo. Also when I was pregnant.

A
Chemo farts!

L
Oh the gas while pregnant was horrid.

Beth
And yet, all that farting and I never pooped on the front of the toilet.

Aaaaaannndddd…scene.

Male readers, does your poop go all over the place when you poop? If so, how the fuck do you do that? Are you a contortionist? Because, me and my girlfriends really want to know.