I am a fraud

I can’t begin to tell you how many people lately have called me their hero, or said how strong I am. All because of the cancer, and how I am keeping my chin up most days. I am keeping my chin up most days, but dude, what choice do I have? I can lay down and die, or I can get up and keep fighting. I mean, maybe if I was alone and didn’t have a family that needed me, maybe I could just lay down and die. Probably not, though. I’m too mad at the cancer to let it win.

Also, yeah, there are days where I just sit and cry a lot. Where I can’t be useful to my family who needs me, not just because I am physically a wreck from the chemo, but also because I can’t stop crying. On those days, The Hubs tells the kids I am sleeping and I lay in bed and mourn the life I had just a few weeks ago. A life that didn’t involve doctor appointments and medications I can’t pronounce. A life where I didn’t have to figure out what happens to my life insurance through work if I have to stop working.

I don’t show that face to the world much. I did the same when The Boy was in the NICU–although, I think I also didn’t show that face to myself when he was in the NICU. I was in total denial that anything was wrong then. Now? I know. I know my best case scenario is chemo that works, radiation, a radical mastectomy, hormone therapy, and pills for the rest of my life, however long that is. Or, maybe the chemo won’t work. Maybe I feel exhausted and queasy for no good reason and I won’t make it to Christmas. Either way, my future is not what I thought it would be a month ago.

But I get up every morning and I hope, as scary as it is to do. I hope to see my kids graduate and go to college. I hope the medicine works. I guess that’s what makes me brave–it’s being scared, and sad, and going forward anyway. But I still feel like a fraud when someone calls me their hero.

13 thoughts on “I am a fraud

  1. I have been reading your blog for a while now, and this is the first time I have posted. I was shocked when I read about the cancer. I am so sorry that it has happened to you, that it happens to anyone. I totally agree with you, you don’t have a choice but to fight. I am thinking of you often, on the other side of the world, and wishing you a full and quick recovery. Much love.

  2. When someone calls you their hero, it simply means you are showing attributes they admire. It doesn’t mean they think you are without weakness. You are doing what you have to and that is worth celebrating, you are fighting and that is worth cheering on, you are worth it. J. chose you because you are an amazing women and we all know it. Even if you can’t always see it. You are NOT a fraud!

  3. Not a fraud at all. You are you and that is what makes you amazing. The fight is in you and is bigger than you.

  4. You are so open and honest about this major life change that there is no way you could be a fraud. Your emotions and reactions to this make you human. I admire your ability and willingness to share, to ask for help, to educate and to comfort those in your inner circle and on this public forum – and you do it all with a wonderful sense of humor! You are remarkable and worthy of being called a hero.

  5. I understand what you mean. I often hear the word “Super mom” bandied about when people talk about how I “deal” with my special needs child. A lot of what I hear in their voice is not so much that I’m awesome, but a “I could never do that, thank god it’s not me.” But what the hell else would you do? Of course you would do it. I’m not a friggin’ hero. I’m dealing with a shitty situation. I’d much rather stop inspiring you and have a kid who could walk.

    That said, the way you are handling this is extremely awesome. You’re being extremely open, and letting people in, which, ha ha, is something I could never do!

  6. I don’t think you are a fraud at all. The emotions and feelings and staying in bed are all part of the human experience when meet with something like this. You are very strong. Each day you fight the cancer, and breathe in and out, you prove it.
    Tracie recently posted…A Sliver Of LightMy Profile

  7. You are in no way shape or form a fraud. all that you explained makes you sound like a human, a very strong human. Love you Beth.

  8. Your emotions and take on this whole cancer thing are so right on! Classic comment from on-lookers: “I could never be as strong as you!” I would always respond with, “Yes, you COULD because the only alternative is to be NOT strong, and that approach is too much like giving up! I say that keeping your head up is key but kicking and screaming and crying is also necessary!
    Jacki Donaldson recently posted…I Will Not Fix Everything in 2014My Profile

  9. You’re not a fraud. I think everyone knows that there would be some crying, some sadness, worry, and mourning. Having a brave face and letting the world see you ARE brave through this and handling it with your amazing sense of humour doesn’t make you a fraud. It makes you awesome.

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