Lately I’ve been having a lot of bad dreams. This isn’t normal for me–I often have weird dreams, or sex dreams, or dreams about nothing in general, but bad dreams are unusual for me. I’m guessing it’s because my brain metastases are back. Or rather, I have new ones.
I went in for my brain MRI recently knowing that something was probably growing in there. I haven’t had any symptoms of brain mets–no headaches, no dizzy spells, nothing neurological–but my tumor markers have been up, and if my cancer is growing in my liver and bones, which we saw on my last PET, I figured it was probably growing in my brain as well. So, I went in for the MRI expecting bad news, and that’s what I got.
So far, it’s two lesions. They’re both tiny, but frankly, when we’re talking about BRAAAAAAAAAIN tumors, I mean, any tumors are extremely bad news. The plan is to rescan in a couple of weeks and see if these are spots that grew before I switched to Afinitor/Aromasin, or if I’m gonna need to give up on those drugs and try something else.
And thus, it’s not surprising I’m having nightmares. I had one in which I was a terrorist and I shot up a building, then was on the run from the police. In another, there was blood everywhere. You don’t need to be Freud to interpret my dreams.
The other night before bed, I had a meltdown. Like, an epic one. I sobbed as I told The Hubs that sometimes I wish I’d never met him, because then I wouldn’t have him or the kids and I could just give up, cash out my 401K and go away and die. That sometimes I wish he would just take the kids and leave me. He said he already knew I felt that way sometimes, but he’s not going to leave me. Guy’s too much of a mensch for his own good.
I hate this life. I hate being afraid. I hate watching the people I care about suffering because my body keeps betraying me. I hate watching my friends die, and knowing my time will come soon. I hate knowing the kids will grow up without me. I hate the scans, the treatments, but mostly I hate the way I’m trapped in this life and I don’t even have the choice to give up. Because I’m a mom, and I can’t do that to the kids, or to The Hubs. I hate going on, knowing it’s all futile.
Here’s the part where someone comes in and says “Just stay strong, have hope, don’t give up.” You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you to whoever says that. You have no idea how strong I have to be to live with the CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE OF MY DEATH and still get out of bed every day, still take care of my family, still do advocacy work, still take pills that might not even be working. Hope will not cure me. “Not giving up” won’t cure me. I will die of my cancer, and I keep on moving. I’m strong as a goddamn ox. SO WHAT?
And so, I have nightmares. And not just when I’m asleep. My whole life is one long bad dream now.
13 thoughts on “Bad Dreams”
Thank you for articulating my thoughts and feelings.
I know the people in my life have the best of intentions, but sometimes I just want to scream. It is a wonderful feeling to be understood.
Just found your blog and I will definitely be subscribing.
Welcome, friend! It sucks having to go through this, and the only thing that makes it bearable is finding each other and knowing we’re not alone. Big hugs!
Aw, Beth. No words. Hugs. ~B.Sue
Like it or not Beth, you are an inspiration to many, me included. Without people like you I fear we’d never be heard, not even by a few. You give me hope that advocacy will make a difference, I’m afraid not for me, but for the many who come after me. Hoping there are many more sexy dreams and substantially less nightmares in your future <3
Fuck cancer and fuck “staying strong.” Scream, cry, freak out. Whatever. Sending thoughts your way. I’m sorry for the shitty news.
Shit. I hated reading this news. Yes, tell the cheery folk who tell you to be positive to fuck off.
Beth Gainer recently posted…Cancer Harbors: A Safe Harbor for Cancer Survivors
Nothing much to offer other than a virtual hug and to let you know I’m in your corner. And if anyone does say that stuff, I hope you do say, f*ck you. Sometimes you shouldn’t hold back. I say, let it rip when and if you need to. And thank goodness for your dear Hubs. What a gem. xx
Nancy’s Point recently posted…What Does Telling a Cancer Patient to “Just Stay Positive” Really Mean?
All I can do is pray for you and wish that I could give you a big fat hug <3
Nothing sucks more than progression. Especially brain. I am tired and confused about the lack of action on all of my metastases, but I don’t know what to do. I feel you. I have been depressed a lot lately, on a limited timeline I know I should be happy and having fun – but knowing you are dying isn’t exactly fun or something to be happy about.
Mandi recently posted…Fear is the Mind Killer
No denying, you said it exactly as it is.
Lisa Adams Thompson recently posted…The Results Are In!
This f#%ing sucks and makes me so angry for you beth and so angry that all this momentum that you’ve had such a huge part in wasn’t started sooner. I want to scream for you and everyone else living with this and never stop screaming it sucks and I hate with all my heart what you are dealing with. Fuck!!!!
Rebecca Timlin-scalera recently posted…2nd Cancer Couch Foundation Music Giveaway
I am up right now because I can’t sleep. I completely get what you are saying. I am right there with you and the fear can be gripping. Know that I am here with you in spirit.
No words, Beth. Just: xoxoxo. And I mean it.
Eileen@womaninthehat recently posted…Fatigue, Pain and Quiet
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