An Ode to Lefty

I’m sorry, Lefty, but I am going to have to kill you, before you kill me.

When I was a teenager, I kept waiting and waiting for you and Righty to grow bigger. But there you sat, just being a sad little A cup, not impressing anyone. I mean, you were reasonably pert, but it took one hell of a bra to simulate anything remotely like cleavage. You did have that cool-looking mole, but since there was no cleavage there, it was hard to show that mole off. In short, you were kind of a disappointment.

And then came motherhood. And HOLY SHIT did you grow! I mean, overnight, from an A to a D, and it hurt like a motherfucker. It turned out you were so small because you were just waiting to get filled up with milk. A lot of milk. A shitload of milk. Insane amounts of milk. Enough milk to feed not just my kids, but other people’s kids too. During the two years of milk production, you usually produced about 25 ounces a day. That’s like 140 gallons of milk you made. Which is pretty fucking impressive.

And then when it was time to stop making milk, you deflated like a sad balloon, and just hung there, looking, well, sad. Who knew that A cups could be saggy? And I know I should have been like “I don’t mind, it just shows what a good job you did feeding my children” but instead I was like “seriously, you are just sad-looking.” And I put you in a push-up padded bra and then you looked OK.

And then you got cancer. A lot of cancer. A shitload of cancer. Insane amounts of cancer. Did you swell up and look good, at least? No, you just lay there looking the same as ever until I noticed you had a big ass lump. And now that the chemo has been eating the cancer, you are drooping even more. You look even more like a deflated balloon. And you STILL have cancer.

I am so fucking pissed off at you for getting sick, and I know you have to go and I have no qualms about this from a medical standpoint…and yet, I am still going to miss you. Because, you are a part of me. A deeply flawed part, but a part nonetheless.

So, I’m sorry, Lefty. We’ve had a good run, but now it’s time to go. Godspeed, and say hello to the pathology lab techs for me.

18 thoughts on “An Ode to Lefty

  1. Not many boobs served the way Lefty did, as you described so poignantly. I feel the loss today, too, because of what you and Lefty did for our family!!! We all love you!

  2. Sending good vibes your way for a speedy recovery! I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

    Jen’s mom. ….BJ

  3. A very funny post for a difficult time. Sorry for your loss. Wishing you good health in the future and a full recovery. And if you feel like it get a nice new perky pair. 🙂

  4. I have a 27-year-old friend who recently had a preventative double mastectomy because she lost both parents to cancer (and she lives in L.A. and is in show business where looks are apparently important.) She also had a great outlook on things and put a positive spin on the crap, and so far, so good with it all. My point? You’re going to totally rock this.

    And if it makes you feel any better–and it probably won’t–I’m 32 and my boobs could best be compared to those of a skinny 12-year-old boy. Itty Bitty Titty Committee, for the win! Good luck and good health to you!
    Abby recently posted…You Don’t Have ToMy Profile

  5. My girls have always been ample. If you saw them you’d think they could produce a lot of milk for my children and others, but they didn’t. They chose to revolt and to give dribs and drabs. Now they’ve swelled even larger if that’s possible. Bewbies are ridiculous amounts of trouble and I’m sorry to hear that Leftie is on the shit list, but I’m thrilled to hear she’s going. Good luck!
    Jen of recently posted…Gender Reveal PartiesMy Profile

  6. This is hilarious despite the sad nature of the topic. You’re a strong woman and having this sense of humor will probably help get you through.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve always said boobs are more trouble than they’re worth, and this just proves it.

    If it makes you feel better, I hate my left one too.

    A speedy recovery to you.
    Lisa Newlin recently posted…Funny Crap My Husband Says: July 2014 editionMy Profile

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